When I was a little girl, I would go stay at my grandmother’s house just to be away from home. My parents didn’t love one another. They were having affairs and when they divorced, my sister, the product of one of my mother’s affairs, went to live with Mum. I went to live with my grandmother and father.
My grandmother took care of me because my dad was never around. He was too busy working, hunting, fishing or chasing women. He never had time for me. My grandmother’s health, however, was declining and she could not take care of a teenage girl. To get away from home, I got married at the age of 16.
A few years later, I had an affair with a married man. As a result of the affair, we had a daughter, who I passed off as my husband’s child. Our affair lasted 10 years, and during that period, I became pregnant four other times and sought an abortion each time. When my marriage finally dissolved, I married this other man.
Long after I got married for the second time, I became pregnant for the sixth time. Like all my previous pregnancies, my second husband threw a fit and demanded I get rid of this pregnancy too. I was in my third trimester.
In all my experiences with abortion clinics, I’d always felt that all they wanted was to get you in and get your money. This visit, however, was different. They sent me in to talk to a lady, and when I met her, the strangest thing happened. She told me all the awful things they would do to my baby. She even showed me where they put the babies after they were aborted.
She told me, “Don’t do this. Go back home and have your baby.” And convinced, that’s what I did. I had a son. Today, I believe God put an angel in that room to stop me from killing another child.
Inner turmoil
Eventually, I became aware something was wrong with me. I couldn’t be at peace. There was a constant churning and anger inside of me all the time. I did not know it, but I had Post-Abortion Syndrome.
Post-Abortion Syndrome can reveal itself in obvious or subtle ways. Unless you realise what is happening to you, it has the potential to consume or disable your life. Also, Post-Abortion Syndrome may not appear until months or years after your abortion. Some of the symptoms are depression, grief, irritability, outbursts of anger or rage, withdrawal from people, difficulty in relationships, repeat abortions, numbing of emotions, sexual promiscuity, shame and guilt.
Suffering from Post-Abortion Syndrome, but not recognising it, I kept having extramarital affairs to numb my pain. But I found no relief.
Feeling helpless, I planned my suicide. I wrote letters to each of my children, telling them how sorry I was for committing suicide and that I loved them but I just couldn’t take the pain anymore. Luckily, God had a different plan!
Forgiving grace
One day at a library, I picked up a Christian magazine. I came across an article asking, “Do you need healing from your abortions?” There was a telephone number listed and, though I struggled, I dialled the number.
I spoke to an organisation who introduced me to a post-abortion course. Through it I came to know God and His forgiving grace and healing power. One of the activities was to go through a workbook and find all the answers in the Bible. I also had to write letters to my aborted children and to Jesus.
I spoke to a counsellor who took her time with me and within a period of three years, I was healed and able to forgive myself for murdering my children. I also started Bible studies and that led me to feeling complete forgiveness for my abortions. All this because I came to know the sweet, precious Saviour who wants to meet us at His table of mercy and discover the riches of His grace. He alone can take you in His arms and wipe all the stains away.
Postscript
Today, I work with other women who have had abortions. I have been married to my present husband for eight years and we have four children and two grandchildren. I love working in the yard, reading, birdwatching and spending time with my precious Saviour.
